Day 3 :)

Day 3 today!  It sure is a lot harder to restart.  The alcoholic voice saying “you didn’t drink 23 days in May, 27 in June, 24 in July and 23 in August.  I really think we got this now.  I think this 100 day alcohol free is totally unnecessary”.  It sounds so convincing sometimes.  A lot of times.  The truth though is that alcohol in any amount is bad for me.  However, many things may be uncertain…THAT is one thing I know for sure.  I’m going away this weekend wedding dress shopping.  As the mother of three sons I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to do that lol.  There will be champagne and there will be hotel bars and it could be a challenge but my plan is to have a replacement drink at the ready and to visit the hotel gym instead of the bar 🙂  Wish me luck!!

Ready, finally ready! Day 1

Ready, finally ready! I had my first drink the day before my 19th birthday. I loved it from the very first moment. I loved the way it made me feel. I loved how it dulled that ever constant feeling of not fitting in, of not having any value. And so began a 32 year toxic relationship with alcohol. My drinking really began to escalate five years ago when my middle son left for college. The wonderful noise and chaos of motherhood had dimmed the feelings of insecurity and worthlessness but as the daily demands of motherhood decreased those feelings and the “voices” with them increased and so did the drinking to quiet them. I gained 30 pounds, was drinking 5-7 nights per week, I often had blackouts and waking up at 3 a.m. with a dry mouth, an aching head and a soul filled with shame was a common occurrence. Since shortly after my first drink, I’ve never not known that I have an alcohol problem. I’m 51 and I’ve felt for awhile now that I am ruining my health and shortening my life by pouring poison down my throat every night.
In March, I discovered sober blogs. Wow! Dozens and dozens of people telling their own stories of their struggles with alcohol and telling my story too. Over the years, I’ve read dozens of books and memoirs on sobriety with a recurring theme being that long term sobriety cannot be achieved alone. It may sound silly but for so long I thought that AA was the only way and then I found people online finding and maintaining sobriety through blogging and reaching out that way. Since March I’ve had stretches of sobriety that included 35 days, 17 days, 11 days, 10 days and shorter stretches too. Before that the longest period of continuous sobriety I had had in YEARS was six days. My children are grown and I’m at the point in my life where the possibilities right now are endless. Unless I keep drinking. Because to continue drinking is to automatically shut off so many of those possibilities.
So now I’m ready to start a 100 day sober challenge. Today is day 1. I’m ready to start building a toolbox of how to live without alcohol. I’m ready to explore the sober possibilities. 😊